I read an unattributed quote a while back that has stuck with me.
“The reason the past and future filled me with anxiety is that, when I go there, I go alone, without God. God only exists in the present, and that is the only place I can find true peace and serenity.”
For millennia spiritual gurus have sought to remove thoughts and clear their minds to allow for a connection with something greater than themselves. They do this to be in the moment, to quiet the mind and find peace, to simply ‘be’. These spiritual guides know that in the present, in this moment, God ‘IS’. Source, Consciousness, Higher Power, or whatever you choose to call ‘It’ exists only in the eternal present. Whatever ‘It’ is, it has no past or future, It simply is.
The past, whether an hour ago or a decade ago, no longer exists. And even what I can recall, only ever existed in my mind. Anyone else who was present at that time can only recall is from their own point of view, different from mine. And that point of view is subject to the vagaries of the mind which colour and fog the memory as time passes. Detectives tell us the most unreliable witness is the eye-witness to a crime: our recollection of the past is often faulty and incomplete. The past, often a delusion within my mind, no longer exists. God is not there.
It’s probably easier to see that the future doesn’t exist but that doesn’t stop us from living under the belief that some thing is going to happen, that people will react in a certain way, that I will or won’t be there. We make plans and contingencies. And we all know that everything can change in a moment. An accident, new information, an unexpected turn of events, may spin off all of our well laid plans into oblivion. The future doesn’t exist: God is not there either.
God is Present. God is the great ‘I am’, not the ‘I was’ or ‘I will be’. God simply ‘Is’.
In our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, one of AA’s founders Bill Wilson, writes of being ‘…rocketed into the fourth dimension.‘ What does he mean? I’ve been pondering this question for a while and here are some of my thoughts.
We live in three dimensions in life. In geometry we are taught that length, the first dimension allows movement one direction or the other. Adding width, the second dimension, gives us area and we can move in any direction but only on one, flat plane. Height, which gives volume is the third dimension gives us the ability to move anywhere, on all planes in any direction. Running through all dimension is the fourth dimension. Einstein tells us the fourth dimension is ‘time.’ And time ever marches on wherever we find ourselves, wherever we move to.
But perhaps being rocketed, blasted into the fourth dimension is really taking us out of ‘time’ and into what is infinity eternal and completely outside of time: into the present moment, pure being, and forever now. There is no ‘time’ in eternity, only this moment. Here in timelessness we exist. Here in timelessness we find God, pure present Consciousness. There is no past or future with God, only the present.
Yes, I have more pondering to do.
The beauty of it all is that I do not need to understand everything perfectly. Small insights like this help me to grow in understanding and in applying them to my life, help me to discover peace and serenity, greater happiness, joy and freedom in this life and more ‘awe’-some moments.
When I came into AA, I knew almost immediately that I had found my tribe: I belonged here.
After a month or six weeks I shyly asked a man who had a quality of sobriety that attracted me to be my sponsor. And very soon after that I was in my knees repeating, phrase by phrase, the Third Step Prayer. At the time, I really had no idea where that prayer came from nor did I really understand what it meant. But I trusted my sponsor. I at least had enough faith to know that this man knew more about this stuff than I did.
I didn’t realize then that in this prayer I was making a bargain with my Higher Power: I’ll surrender my will and my life over to Your care and share that with others and You’ll release my from the slavery of Ego and remove difficlties from my life, which will further show just how powerful You are.
On the surface it was easy enough to understand. But like many aspects of the AA program, I’ve learned that there’s a whole lot more depth to the words.
Like most newer members I spent the first few years cleaning up the wreckage of my past. Then I moved into my character defects.
I had spent very little time in Step 6 and 7 when I first went through the steps. And with six years of sobriety, with the help of my sponsor and the book Drop the Rock, I made a much deeper dive into these steps. One of the main ideas that I took away from my time spent on those two steps then was this: if I want a new Tim to arrive, I had to let go of the old Tim. Not only did I have to be willing to give up the character defects that were holding me back I had to be willing to put the ones I thought were positive aspects of my character on the table as well. Slowly, I began to let go of the old Tim, once again turning my life over to that Higher Power.
I know that it was a growth experience for me and I believe that I grew from where I was into someone different.
However, with time, it’s very easy for old character defects to return, especially if one isn’t vigilant, and I wasn’t. I see now that I was “resting on my laurels.” Looking back over my years from six to twelve I see that arrogance, perfectionism and selfishness had crept back into my life and I had a tighter grip on my will. I was able to see this because, again with a sponsor and this time armed with the Big Book, I worked through all the steps again.
This experience has taught me many things about myself, the program, my relationships with others and with my Higher Power.
It has taught me that not only do I need to let go of the old Tim, I also needed to stop putting conditions on how the new Tim would show up. If I’m really putting my will and my life into God’s care then I can’t have conditions at all. I can’t hold back what I like about myself. Nor can I tell my Higher Power how I should be in the future. It’s a full and complete surrender. Yes I thought I surrendered that first time I recited the Third Step Prayer and I did, to the best of my ability at the time.
But my abilities have changed over the years. So my understanding of what a complete surrender means has also changed.
My first uttering of the Third Step Prayer was a beginning. And like all beginnings, there’s a lot to learn as the journey progresses. Old ideas must be released and new ones embraced. I can see that I couldn’t have understood the prayer the way I do now; new understandings are built upon old ones.
I don’t know where the next stage of my journey is taking me. I don’t need to know. My Third Step decision reminds me that I only need to trust and my Higher Power will bring me where I need to go, meet the people I need to meet and learn the lessons I need to experience.
I don’t need to navigate the river…just enjoy the ride.
One of the AA speakers I’ve listened to in the last year often says, “Life is lived forward but understood backward.” We live our lives moving ahead moment to moment but it is only on reflection in meditation or journaling or discussion that we see the patterns emerging and the fullness of the landscape of our lives.
July, 2022. I heard a voice, or at least a very strong idea in my head as I sat in a van returning from Panama to my home in Costa Rica. This insistent idea was that I needed to return to Canada. What???
I had been living very comfortably in the tropics for the past ten years in my home and among friends. I very much belonged there, I thought. When I questioned why I should go back home, the idea came that it had something to do with my wellbeing, that I just needed to be back up north. There wasn’t a clear reason, really, but the thought, the idea, was very persistent the rest of that day and the next. I thought plenty about it, it was part of my meditation and journaling. I rationalized that it had something to do about my mom who was 89 and in a nursing home.
I talked to my brother, mentioned that I was thinking of moving back to Canada. A few days later he told me that I could live in the little house at his business, which had been empty for several years. He had a vehicle I could use. He also needed someone to do some computer design work and help out in the office. I could go and visit with Mom, a half an hour away whenever I wanted.
Boom! I had a place to stay, a job and a way to move around back in a country where I no longer owned anything. Perhaps this was some sort of message from a Higher Power.
It didn’t happen right away. I had responsibilities to look after before I left. Patience. I moved back in December of 2022. I settled into a very different way of life just as winter was coming on. I became a regular at local thrift shops, buying warmer clothes and things for the house. I jumped into a new job with a commute that takes 30 seconds if I walk slowly and I got to spend time with Mom. I joined the local AA group and also went to other meetings in the area, often combining a visit with Mom in Stratford and attending meetings there.
There were times I felt lonely. After 5 PM and on weekends, I was alone on the property. I learned to adjust to a new way of life. I continued with my morning meditation and journaling. I got into more service work in AA. I was grateful, mostly, for where I was. I trusted that idea that this is where I was supposed to be.
In March of 2023 another persistent idea arrived: Get a new sponsor. I wasn’t going anywhere so I figured I may as well do as I was told. I had an idea of who I thought would be a good sponsor, but decided to ask a friend who sponsors a lot of men if he had someone he thought could sponsor me. He replied with the name of the guy I had been thinking about. Something was clicking. The new sponsor and I had a coffee together. I thought we would just be chatting now and again about ‘stuff’, but he suggested that we go through the steps again as outlined in the Big Book. And so we have.
I hadn’t a clue as to what lay ahead of me as I worked through the 12 Steps again with this man.
He shared with me the ‘Set Aside Prayer’ at our first Big Book session. It has become for me a touchstone of this path I am on in my journey: letting go to what I know to make room for new knowledge. Oh the things I am learning by letting go of preconceived thoughts and ideas and by not putting conditions on where my journey is leading me. I am learning to put my trust in a Higher Power, following through on my decision in Step Three.
I’m letting go, mostly, of trying to control my future. I know that I couldn’t have imagined what has happened to me in the past 18 month had I tried to control things. Upon reflection, I know that while telling folks that Mom wasn’t doing well was a plausible reason for returning here, I see now that the main reason I’m back has been for me: I needed to renew my commitment to the AA program. I needed to do some deep work with another man. I needed to listen to speakers talking about AA, the Big Book, the steps and my disease. I needed to share this program by working with others and be of service. I needed to see how close I was to taking a drink.
Upon reflection, I see that now.
Today I have a better understanding of what these past months have given me. I certainly didn’t as I was going through all the changes. I will be sharing some of this in future posts.
I don’t know where my journey is taking me. But my understanding of everything I’ve gone through has given me greater trust and confidence in moving forward. So I will continue to do what’s strongly suggested in Steps 10, 11 and 12 in order to grow, and I will trust the process. And, upon reflection, my understanding of these things will become clearer.
Recovery river 